What Is Game? REFERENCE EXPERIENCES

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What is Game?

REFERENCE EXPERIENCES.

That is it!

The amount of reference experiences that you’ve had.

The different kinds of reference experiences that you’ve had.

And all of the lessons that you’ve taken and learned from them.

If I gave you the same exact reference experiences that I’ve had in the past, you would be standing exactly where I’m standing right now in terms of success with women in general.

So… First of all,

WHAT EXACTLY ARE REFERENCE EXPERIENCES?

The way that I would like to define them for the purpose of this article is that they are the different kinds of experiences that your mind bases itself on in order to make certain assumptions about the world around you.

They are the material evidence that reinforce the certain belief structures that you have.

And without having these reference experiences you would not have the right mental proof to backup anything that your mind tries to interpret or believe in.

This is what it really comes down to in terms of changing yourself as a person and the internalization of new beliefs and new assumptions.

Tipping that balance from having more reference experiences that reinforce negative assumptions to having more reference experiences that reinforce positive assumptions.

This is the process of learning how to be successful with women in general.

THE PROCESS OF INTERNALIZATION.

Whenever someone is trying to internalize any new type of idea or concept that is not part of who they are or what they believe in yet, it will never be fully implemented in in their mind until they experience it for themselves in real life.

Until they have that reference experience that mentally reinforces it.

It’s not until you live it through your own first hand experience that you will finally understand it.

You could even be reading this article right now and you could be telling yourself: “Yes, this makes perfect sense to me.” But it’s not until you actually experience this for yourself that it will be internalized.

It’s only when you have that moment of: “Oh, so this is what he meant when he said that!” that the reference experience is now synced with the idea or concept at hand.

SO WHAT DOES THIS MEAN TO YOU?

What all of this should really make you realize is that the only way that someone can actually get success with women is by accumulating as many reference experiences as possible and over the shortest period of time possible, that reinforce specific belief structures that they have in their mind.

And that of course, anyone can do this.

It should make you realize that everyone is cut from the same cloth.

The only difference is the amount of experiences gathered to implement and internalize the different behavioral patterns and beliefs that characterize people the way that they are.

This is why I previously mentioned that if I were to give you the exact same reference experiences that I’ve had over the years, I could guarantee you that you would be standing exactly where I’m standing right now in terms of success with women in general.

But that is only the NURTURE part of it all.

SO WHAT ABOUT THE NATURE PART OF ALL OF THIS?

The nature part of all of this is having that emotional leverage and motivation to proactively seek out those reference experiences all on your own and through your own willpower.

It’s the process of doing it and learning from it.

To proactively put yourself into the situations that you will learn from the most and that will give you the most evidence to support and reinforce everything that you’ve heard, read or seen about success with women.

Taking that right action no matter what you’re feeling and no matter what the circumstances are at the time and knowing exactly which lessons to take from it all.

And I think that this is probably one of the hardest things to actually achieve as well as one of the main reasons why most people tend to stagnate or even end up giving up at this.

They aren’t able to cultivate enough willpower to proactively put themselves into these new kinds of situations that will challenge and change their realities.

They fail to actually develop that emotional muscle by continuously taking right action.

If someone puts a gun to your head and asks you what the right thing to do is at that moment in time, you will always know the answer.

We know that we have to approach.

We know that we have to challenge yourselves.

We know that we have to accumulate as many reference experiences as possible.

Yet to actually do the right thing is sometimes close to impossible.

And this is because our mental balance is showing more negative reference experiences than positive reference experiences. We have more reference experiences backing up negative assumptions of the world around us than reference experiences backing up positive assumptions.

SO HOW CAN YOU CHANGE ALL OF THIS?

By positively focusing on the learning process.

One of the mindsets that I’ve always had and that I think has tremendously helped me in this area is that I realized early on that in the end it really all comes down to what I’ve learned.

Nothing else matters, at all.

There are no good or bad reference experiences, only different lessons that you can take from them.

I was never afraid to take that right action because I had realized that you learn just a much from a good night out as from a bad night out.

That you learn just a much from a good reaction from the women that you’re interacting with as from a bad reaction.

The only thing that you should be focusing on at all times are the lessons that you’ve learned.

The rest does not matter.

And I think that just by making this realization, so many success barriers are removed from the equation.

You realize that there really is nothing holding you back from achieving all of this yourself.

TAKE IT EASY…

Someone recently asked me during one of my Free Tour speeches in Europe: “How long did it take you to get good at this?”

And to tell you the truth, I did not know what to say in answer to this question…

With this realization and particular mental shift that I talked about here, is there ever going to be any end goal to all of this?

A journey with a destination?

No, and you’re not going to want it to have one either.

When you start thinking in terms of reference experiences is anyone really better than anyone else?

Is a five year old child better than a two year old child because he walk and talk, for example?

No, he’s just had those extra three years of reference experiences allowing him to do so. And the same applies with an eight year old child that will have the same amount of extra years of experience on the five year old child.

There will never be an end goal to any of this, only continual progress and self densification.

Moving forward towards the limits of what is possible.

Everyone is also on their own path.

No one should ever be asking themselves:

“Where do I stand in comparison to him?”

“Is this person better than this person?”

“When will I finally be good at this?”

I’ve always only been focused on myself and where I stand in comparison to my own standards and kept moving forward from that. This is also one of the ways that you become internally centered and grounded in your own reality.

I realized that what all of this really comes down to is reference experiences and I set myself out to proactively accumulate as many as possible.

You’re on your own path and seeking out the right reference experiences that you specifically need at that moment in time.

Enjoy the journey.

28 Comments »

  1. Drama December 1, 2011 at 12:02 pm - Reply

    Very good post Julien. Glad to see this concept broken down into detail. Tying in the importance of being motivated was great too. I have a tough time not comparing myself to guys better than me though. I’m inspired to reach a higher level, and they are my benchmark — I don’t play anyone else’s game, but it gives me a mental vision of where I want to move towards.

  2. synergist December 1, 2011 at 5:57 pm - Reply

    Good article, very well written. I’d like to hear more about the results you’ve been having from your perspective since we only ever hear about it from Tyler’s perspective. And more about your background – and more videos!

  3. Ross December 1, 2011 at 7:58 pm - Reply

    Really inspirational Julien. Always good to hear from someone far along in the journey that all it takes to get better is practice: a reaffirmation that we are cut from the same cloth.

    Do you have any thoughts on making the most out of reference experiences?

    I go out all the time, and I used to evaluate all my interactions in a journal. But, it was a lot of the same stuff over and over again. I got to the point where it felt try hard.

    For awhile, I thought I wasnt getting any better. But when I went home for thanksgiving and saw my old friends they commented on how I was drastically different.

    Anyway, do you see a point to analyzing a nights interactions; or is it more just about accruing a ton of experiences?

  4. Michael Cherry December 1, 2011 at 9:50 pm - Reply

    Nice post, I cant agree more with how you view the journey. – Gotta do it for yourself. Use yourself as the benchmark.

    It seems too many people have no idea of their own identity and a trying to walk anyone’s path but their own. When I figured out it’s up to me.. I had a massive “aha” moment. Felt good man.

  5. ChinaBoy December 2, 2011 at 3:39 am - Reply

    Awesome!

    Since hearing this in Prague It has motivated me to push harder and go get embarassed.

    Just going for those experiences no matter if they are positive or negative.

    ChinaBoy

  6. duckmack December 2, 2011 at 8:54 am - Reply

    Awesome article!!

  7. Bryan December 2, 2011 at 7:15 pm - Reply

    Dig it! Great philiosphy.

    Ross: About analyzing reference experiences:

    When i’m “cold” in terms of momentum and I do an approach, I usually take a moment afterwards to stop and think what worked and didn’t work and what aspect of my personality was lacking or not coming through in the moment. Try not to wish you had done it differently, just try to understand what happened. Especially if I am on my way somewhere or too busy for a string of approaches, I will just take a minute to think then let it go.

    If you are “out” though, say at a club, analyzing can fuck up your state. If you get too logical in between approaches, you’ll never ride that emotional wave that leads to feeling good regardless of outcome. Don’t talk about approaching or blowouts. Just approach. So at the end of the night, i’d say it’s alright to analyze a few of the interactions that were particularly new or good or bad or weird. However, your brain will learn the lessons subconsciously without needing the conscious breakdown. Rough estimate, I’d say your behavior following a reference experience will be 85% influenced by the experience itself and 15% by your understanding of the experience. Maybe even 95/5%.

  8. Julien December 3, 2011 at 12:48 pm - Reply

    Thanks for all of the comments!

    Here is something that I would like to add to this article and that I just posted on the main forum of RSDNATION.COM.

    ——–
    ——–

    Realizing that in the end what all of this really comes down to is the learning process.

    And that is all that matters.

    You learn just as much from a good night out as from a bad night out. And you learn just a much from a good reaction from the women that you’re interacting with as from a bad reaction.

    And by reframing all of this in this way you really realize that there are no good or bad reference experiences anymore, but only lessons to be learned.

    It’s all about the LEARNING PROCESS.

    And if you want to break all of this down even further, I would even go as far as saying that any experience that gives your mind PROOF THAT YOU’RE NOT GOING TO DIE is a positive reference experience.

    You’re looking to eliminate as much as you can of that “unknown” from your current reality, and by of course always taking right action.

    • ESTE January 11, 2012 at 3:37 pm - Reply

      Great post!

      • wwad January 11, 2012 at 3:37 pm - Reply

        I agree!

        • Michał January 20, 2012 at 4:42 am - Reply

          Great.

  9. Colt_Gunner December 3, 2011 at 6:36 pm - Reply

    Awesome post Julien. Systematically breaking down exactly what is meant when speaking about reference experiences. Great point about what causes people to stagnate or leave, it comes down to having the willpower to take right action regardless of the circumstances. Because that push and drive during the tough days is what gets the order of magnitude level improvement in the field and self development in general. Keep up the great material!

  10. Alex December 3, 2011 at 9:36 pm - Reply

    Subscribed! :)

  11. Tim Strong December 22, 2011 at 7:43 pm - Reply

    Just watched your video “the moment of realness” and I was really impressed. I liked how you correlated the attraction (phase/routine/pushing/whatever you want to call it) with pushing, and the comfort (dropping the b.s./stepping back/ being real /letting her fill the void) with pulling. Great insight. Sometimes its hard to verbalize interactions and social dynamics, but you nailed it in that video. Cheers mate.

  12. James January 6, 2012 at 7:51 am - Reply

    Julien -

    It would be good to get an idea of how you got into all of this. What background were you coming from, and also how you landed the gig with Tyler. It lets us readers know the place you’ve come from through which to interpret your writings/vblogs.

    Great content though – would love to see more stuff.

  13. Jacob January 6, 2012 at 6:47 pm - Reply

    Make another article, im interested in what you have to say.

  14. Tinush February 12, 2012 at 10:09 am - Reply

    Interesting, however, I don’t see you comment on the blog so much, so perhaps you wont read my question, but here goes:
    there still seems to be some kind of premise behind your reference points to the extend that you actually need to experience some positive feedback and eventually get where you want. Otherwise, if this is only a ride going to clubs, doing daygame etc. and you gain experience but never any closure, then what are you guys doing in RSD? I mean, I have taken RSD-bootcamps, going out 7 days a week straight for months, meeting and talking to over 10.000 women – and never gotten any positive results. On the bootcamps I have been told to enjoy myself and that has been the only point. Since I have no aa, I talk to many people, lean in, test the waters and had my share of slaps in the face. Been at it since 2006, just taking other bootcamps in other companies in Europe/London, so it is a natural question, when should you experience some positive results? My only reference point so far is that apparently the theory put into practise seems not to work for everybody, there is something missing.

  15. Robert June 5, 2012 at 3:01 am - Reply

    You know ONE thing I can get from all these articles?

    When you go out and meet girls, they’ll make so MUCH sense than if you just read them and daydream.

  16. Zach June 23, 2012 at 9:37 am - Reply

    I just re-read this post. HOLY SHIT. This just moved to the top of my all time favorite breakdowns of social dynamics.

    P.S. Your site is pretty :)

  17. vigin October 19, 2012 at 3:24 am - Reply

    HATS OFF DUDE!!! THIS ONE PIECE BLEW AWAY ANY NO OF SELF HELP AND PUA BOOKS IVE READ…..IN THE END IN ALL COMES DOWN TO ACTION AND EXPERIENCES…..IRRESPECTIVE OF THE OUTCOME….

  18. Justin April 22, 2013 at 10:36 am - Reply

    Great post.

    I like the way Tyler puts this concept, as focusing more on the process and being detached from the result.

    Thank god for you guys – RSD is so refreshing compared to the last ‘era’ of pick up (the negs, routines, etc)

  19. Burakumin Gamin June 8, 2013 at 3:05 pm - Reply

    Thank you Julien for your job.

  20. Socialkenny June 20, 2013 at 9:05 am - Reply

    Although an old post, the message is still solid and obviously still relevant on reference points.

  21. Socialkenny June 28, 2013 at 4:27 pm - Reply

    By the way Julien, when you record your sets, it’s usually how many of you guys in set?

    Whenever I record my sets, I find that I have to do it in the first person since I prefer to sarge alone. But I was just curious as to how y’all do it.

  22. SalisB July 24, 2013 at 2:40 am - Reply

    Hey Julien Nice article as always. Newbie commenting so forgive me if I fuck up… What’s the difference between the day game and night game ? What advantage does the night game has over the day game apart from you know being able to take her home and have a sleep over, is there any psychological advantage ? Or anything ?

  23. Y.A October 15, 2013 at 6:56 am - Reply

    SalisB:There’s no diff’ basically. It dosen’t matter. You can game the same way and get same results. RSDnation has published an article and Video on this;check it out.

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